Thursday, May 13, 2010

Letting Go of My Security

i have to keep telling myself this. i dont remember the last time i struggled like this, ive grown so much lately and feel like Gods shown me so much, but this is one time when i have no idea what to do. i use to have such a peace and lately i dont but not having peace is tearing me up inside. i dont know if i should just admit it and let the chips fall where they may or keep it to myself for as long as possible. letting go of this is so scary what happends if it all crashs and burns, if everything i hoped for falls thru my finger tips? staying quite while painful in its own right is scary its also safe. the fact of the matter is though i think id rather loose certain things than continue to live a lie. i say that in my head though but the fact is loosing certain things would crush me. i feel like im at a place where i have to pick the lesser of two pains, or maybe taking my peace away is God way of telling me to suck it up and let Him handle it. maybe this is my true test of trust in Him. giving up something that means so much to me for Someone that means more. i wish God spoken in etchy stech or neon lights, it would be so much easier to understand, i know i need to listen for that still small voice but sometimes i think thats the hardest thing to do. its hard to hear a still small voice over the sound of my heart bonding and the butterflies in my stomach doing backflips.

1 comment:

  1. I know that God is preparing both of you for the future. Sometimes, i'm sure it seems like only one of you is being prepared, but time will come. I know you're already seeing change! I'm so excited for you too! Honestly, I wish I could just open a book, and read all the answers to life for you. Much to my dismay, both of us know that doesn't or won't happen. I know that right now, it may seem like God has taken the peace away, but maybe you've gotten so caught up with the future, you can't feel the peace for today. make sense? I know what you believe God has promised you, or confirmed to you, and who am I to say that isn't the case? I wouldn't dare. You know what God is saying to you, and not anyone else. I think that might be where the struggle is. God is talking directly to you, and no one else can help you make the decision for you. You don't have someone to help "narrow down" the choices. You have to lean on God and trust that He's leading you to make the right choice. Sometimes, we make the wrong one, and that's ok. That's why they are the wrong ones..the mistakes..we have to learn from them. If we always play it safe, we won't have anything to learn from, or make a better choice from for the next time. I'm praying for you, always. I know that it's difficult, but God is got his arms wrapped tightly around you. If you need me, you know I'm here, and I'm always here to listen. I love you so much girl, and I think God daily for blessing me with such an amazing, crazy friend!!! Couldn't make it at GBCE without you!

    (p.s.-hope this wasn't too jumbled and it all made sense. sometimes i type faster than my brain works. :) lol)