i have to keep telling myself this. i dont remember the last time i struggled like this, ive grown so much lately and feel like Gods shown me so much, but this is one time when i have no idea what to do. i use to have such a peace and lately i dont but not having peace is tearing me up inside. i dont know if i should just admit it and let the chips fall where they may or keep it to myself for as long as possible. letting go of this is so scary what happends if it all crashs and burns, if everything i hoped for falls thru my finger tips? staying quite while painful in its own right is scary its also safe. the fact of the matter is though i think id rather loose certain things than continue to live a lie. i say that in my head though but the fact is loosing certain things would crush me. i feel like im at a place where i have to pick the lesser of two pains, or maybe taking my peace away is God way of telling me to suck it up and let Him handle it. maybe this is my true test of trust in Him. giving up something that means so much to me for Someone that means more. i wish God spoken in etchy stech or neon lights, it would be so much easier to understand, i know i need to listen for that still small voice but sometimes i think thats the hardest thing to do. its hard to hear a still small voice over the sound of my heart bonding and the butterflies in my stomach doing backflips.