Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Rising Above and Moving On...

Well  boys and girls this is pretty much how i feel lately. i feel free somehow, but extremely confused at the same time. but what i do know is im so ready to move on. i dont feel tied down to that situation anymore i have no reason to put anymore effort into it than is put towards me. i have realized im allowed to have feelings for other people and im enbracing it fully. im still not totally sure how i feel about the other guy but i do know the more we hangout the more fun i have and thats something i need in my life right now. im still not ready for a title WITH ANYONE im not ready for a relationship but before it was because i wasnt over him and now its because of me, becuase i want to be able to just be free and figure out all the grown up stuff later. i just dont care anymore. he texted me yesterday and asked me if i still had his UT jacket, which i do, i put it away along with everything else that was his/ours/he gave me. and now i feel like im ready to give it all back i had every intention of putting it in his room this summer but i never did. after we broke up i woke up panicking every time something of his would touch me and now ive forgotten i even had it. and now im ready to give it all back im ready to part with it all. i held on to it for so long because i was afraid he would throw it all away and i couldnt stand the thought of a scrapbook i worked on or letters he wrote me just being tossed away but ive realized now that hopfully i meant more to him than that and reguardless of what he does with it, it doesnt erase the fact that it happend. that he cared so i have every intention of giving it all to him tonight im just scared he will take it in the wrong way. i dont mean it in a mean or spitful way i just mean im ready to move on, he has and i have pushed some great guys away becuase i was stuck but im not free from the control of it all. it took me along time to realize that whatever happends with happen theres nothing i can do about it, and i wouldnt want to..God has this under control. i think about it often how something goes from so certain to noexsistant in a matter of months but it doesnt matter becasue Gods got this all figured out already ive just got to shut up and listen for His instructions and stop making up my own. so if you read this i hope you dont take me giving you your stuff back in a bad way i truly have no hard feelings towards you its just my way of closing the book and moving on. 

And to amazingly sweet guy! you are everything i never wanted and yet when you dont text me i find myself jumping when my phone rings hoping its you, i go to work excited to see still not ready for a title but you are definatly growing on me the more we hangout. you have definatly restored my faith in guys and in ways you have challenged my faith by causing me to let go and give God the control. im still not sure exactlly how i feel about you but i know your an amazing guy and if nothing else comes of it you will always be a great friend.

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