Let me preface this by saying that as scared as i am to post this i know Gods asking me to start taking more control over my testimony and to stop hidding from it, im not perfect and my life has been far from it as much as i try and act like it is. so i know whatever happends from writting this God has it under control and i am telling this to finally embrace my past nothing more.
i grew up in a family of mainly christians my dad was the black sheep and we never saw my moms side of the family, my parents were the type who know God but dont beileve you have to go to church to be saved. i have always known my parents loved me and did the best they could but many times demains from there past who come back to haught not only them but me. my parents never stopped me from going to church and i went with my brother and cousins every week with my grandparents, i gave my life to God when i was seven along with my brother and cousin. i remember the pastor telling my parents and them being conserned that i was forced to make a decision, i was so mad i felt like they thought i couldnt think for myself, which by this point i was more than happy to give anyone anytime my opinion and i remeber setting them straight that this was all me, i remember being proud feeling like i was fighting for the Lord. a year later my world was shattered when my great grandmother died, i remember being so mad at God, i drifted from Him and going to church became a chore, this was also around the same time my parents started drinking again, my moms side of the family has a long history of abuse and alcholism and i certainly felt the effects, i grew up fast and became a very independant person due to their drinking, i wasnt blind to other things they did but it was never talked about. my family slowly started to fall apart. i became a child forced to grow up and become the adult, im a very motherly person its something that comes from years of picking up after drunk people, learning to cook so there would be food to eat, and staying up late to make sure everyone was covered up and the doors were locked. as the drinking increased so did my parents fighting, i remember praying to God my parents would get a divorce, i grew up listening to my parents fight and always thinking i caused it, thinking they loved beer more than me, i learned to rock myself to sleep because it made enough noice i couldnt hear it, i couldnt hear my dad leave, or my mom say she was going to kill herself. my dad left many times, i was always so scared he wouldnt come back, terrified someone would find out how much they faught, terrified we wouldnt be seen as perfect. my parnets love me very much but there past hurts soon became my problem, my mom when drinking quickly became degrading and much faster to slap me around. i knew exactlly how far to stand so it was harder to hit me, or how to hid what had happen from my dad. i learned to keep my mouth shut and just go with whatever she said, if she hit me it was just time to get up and try and clean, try to cook something do anything to make myself invisible. i think thats where i learned to serve others even if they did something wrong to be. as i grew up i quickly learned that have an opinion or telling them what i though just made it worse, me telling them what i thought just sent them into a rage; into there favorite speach how i was good for nothing worthless piece of crap. that in my dads favorite phrase he should have wipped off with a tissue, a mistake the result of a drunken night. it was always clear i may have been the youngest but i was never the baby. i was just there to serve the and pick up the pieces of another drunk night. i learned to take care of everyone and accept my fate of nothingness, i was a very private person as a result, they never seemed happy with what i did it didnt matter what i did someone in my family always had something to say, i always could have made a better grade, lost more weight or done somthing more. my parnets hardly ever came to anything i did, i went to games alone, danced alone, went to my ring cerimony alone and learned to do it with a smile and a lie for where they were. i learned to deal with all of this on my own never depending on anyone and i very rarly do now, i have gone thru life waiting for the other shoe to drop, for sometone to leave or for them to find out im not good enough. i had terrible self esstem as a result of my home life and cared it with my for a very long time, i learned how to act like everything was okay. at school i came from the perfect family and tried to keep it that way. in seventh grade my "best friends" started a horrible rumor about my that truly ruined my life. they embarassed me in front of a boy and i got mad as a result of my being mad they started a rumor that changed my life, i stopped talking to everyone and my little self worth quickly disappeared. i beame truly depressed, and as a result tried to take my life i didnt feel like it would matter if i did, no one would miss me anyways. after failed attempts my parents finally found out for the first time in a long time i felt like they cared. for a very long time i just wondered around trying to stay afloat praying to God to change the way i felt about myself. in nineth grade two years after my attempted suicide i rededicated my life to the Lord. He truly pulled me out of a horribly dark part of my life, i still had trials and continued to have to deal with a family that forced me to the outside while they drank their problems away. after my rededication i struggled with an eating disorder, i realized i had a problem when i was loosing ten pounds or more a week even though i was reconnected with God i was still struggling feeling like i was so out of control. the same year my uncle went to prison and my unstable family crumbled. everything seemed to spin so far out of control and i found a way to blame it all on myself to feel like i should have been able to fix everything. it took my all through high school and even now to embrace what ive been through and even this is all of the story, i hid from what ive been thru for so long thinking it would make people look down on me, ive realized as ive grown that even though none of it was my fault it shaped me into the person i am today. i have to work every single day to replace the lies of my past with the truth of God but i know God has a purpose for all of it. i am a motherly, aploigetic, questioning person becuase of what i have been thru but im also stronger for it. i have to wake up every day and not be negitive, it would be so easy to stay in it and hate my parents and those who have hurt me and even though ive said things to them i regreat out of anger i try everyday to give my anger to God and see the good in people and in myself. God made me exactlly how He wanted me and i want to discover exactlly who that is, so everyday i work against the way my fleshly mind works, i work against letting myself pitty party. ive hurt many people because ive spent so much time beileveing lies and im truly sorry to those ive hurt but ive realized that to embrace powerful peace i also have to embrace my story, and my story isnt perfect but its made me who i am.
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