Sunday, January 17, 2010

looking up from a rut...

Ugh! I feel like I've been such a rut lately and I'm just so sick of it! I feel like I'm getting ready for something big but there's this big waiting period time before then. Ugh sometimes I wonder if things I've heard from God were really from God. If fast I've done were really God speaking to me because it just seemed like the answers He was giving me went matching what was actually happening in my life, but what If while I was fasting for an answer waiting for a yes or no answer I missed the bigger picture. What if that yes was really a yes but it came with a wait I never heard Him say. I think lately I've doubted so much of what He's told me because it wasn't working out the way I thought it would but maybe that's just because I didn't ask all the right questions. This has been such a hard year for me and though a lot of it was because of decisions I made a lot of it was things I couldn't help or do anything about and even though I want to just wash my hands of it all I don't know how to not care. But I also don't know how to not let it effect me. I don't know how to let people in to support me. Even the ones who knows pretty much everything don't know it all, don't know how bad things get around here, or that I cry myself to sleep most nights because I'm just so sick of so many things going on around me. Its so hard for me to admit I can't handle everything but I also know I can't do this alone. I need my God, I need a hug sometimes, and I need to know people care. I'm just so ready to get out of here and be able to be indepentent and see what God has in store for me. Although sometimes I wonder who will still be here when I get back, and who I will still want here.

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