Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Moving Past The Grave

So I want to start out by saying that this is in no way intended to be a sad blog, move of a purge before I release it all and am able to move forward with whatever God has in store for me next. I always thought I had my life figured out. I knew exactlly what I wanted to do, where I wanted to live, the kind of marriage I wanted and exactlly the kind of man I wanted to fall asleep with every night. I was never much of a dater,I take that kind of thing seriously and am very selective about who I let in and how much I trust someone. Trsut is not an easy thing for me to give away, and its even harder for me to let someone into my day to day life, my family and the drama that comes with it. It has never been easy for me to let go once something is over, weather it be an expirence, a friendship or a relationship. I over analysis things, I go thru all the what ifs and what I could have done better. And even though in the last years worth of things I've realized a lot of things I'd do differently but I can force anyone to forgive me, I can't change that it happend and I can't have it all back the way it was. I have spent so much of the last year waiting and wishing. I told a friend recently that I feel like I'm standing at a grave site, the one marker with my past the one that over the last year has brought me much joy and much pain. I feel like I'm standing at a grave morning parts of 2008 and most of 2009. I'm standing kneeling there holding flowers that I brought the day before waiting, wishing and praying that it would come back. That the last year would spring back up and it would bring back all the good things I miss, that It would come back up and give me the chance to do it al over again. I'm so ready to move on but I feel like the grave is in between the house I wake up in and the road tht I must travel to move forward in my journey. I can see the road and I despritally long to go towards the road and not linger at the grave anymore. I have had an amazing life with a lot of good and bad, some I can change and many I can't. I can't make people forgive and forget but I can hold on to the good that was and remember that whatever happends in the future it was all worth it in the end. So my new years resolution is to go out the back door. To take a new path to the road and avoid the grave. The grave will always be there as a beautiful reminder of what use to be and where I'm going. I don't know where that is exactlly or what from that grave ill take into my future but I know I'm ready to move onto the road and start a new year and a new journey.

Goals for 2010:
1. Stop over analysing
2. Move forward
3. Get closer to God
4. Stop looking back
5. Feel better about myself
6. Accept the things and people I can not change
7. Control my nurse curse
8. Have stronger faith in God and His plan for me and the others in my life
9. Rely soley on God again
10.Have fun relay on God but refuse to be in the drama of it all.

Its time to forget the little stuff and make sure I'm going to God with the big stuff

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