Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Diary of a Stress Eating Fat Girl...

I'm 20 years old and still manage to turn into a 5year old who just got told santa isn't real when ever my weight is brought up. I know no one knows how much it bothers me but it doesn't make it any better. They don't know that family holidays would be times for people to point out how fat I'd gotten, or the boy who told me he and no one else would ever date me because I was to fat, or the teacher that told me I was to big to dance. I know when my weight is brought up now its not intended to hurt me but somehow it still does. I eat when I get stressed and I'm a master at hiding my stress. I hide my feeling so well sometimes I don't even know how I feel, between my family, school, boys,friends and the future its no wonder I'm not 700 pounds. But maybe its time to make some changes. There are only two people in the world I'm truly comfortable with my body around; a girl I've know forever and one boy. Only one and that definatly didn't happen over night. After we broke up sometimes I use to wonder if he really meant what he use to say, if I was truly pretty and I realized it didn't matter, it didn't matter if every guy I've ever dated was lying to me, its about how I feel and even though there are days that I feel like I look like complete dump I also know there are guys who still find me beautiful. I don't doubt the guys I've dated meant it when they said it. Its just something I have to remind myself is true when I start to get down. There's a lot of stress I could eliminate from my life but sometimes its just hard. Each one of those stresses also hold me together in some way. I always told you you were the most important person in the world to me and even though I didn't always show that I still meant it. I would have given up anything for you if you would have asked and if I knew that we would go back to being the friends we use to be I'd still give it all up in a heart beat. But what happends if I give it up and we don't go back to how we were, I know your always there for me and I could come to you with anything but where do I go when I'm confused by you? Or when there's things I can't tell you? I wish I could rewind and fix it, see what I see now and fix it before I messed it up. But I can't and I know that, and maybe I know deep down I wouldn't change it because it got me here,sometimes I question if I should give up on and walk away from everything that's happend in the last year but as much as it confuses me and I don't know where Gods taking this I also know I can't live without the friendship. I'm just ready to get some answeres. I pray every night for God to show me where He's going with all this and to help me let go so that the trip is easier and funnier but I'm begining to see how hard that is. I feel like I owe it to you to give up certain stresses in my life and just be free but what if those stresses are the only things still there at the end of the day.

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