Monday, October 5, 2009

words often thought but rarely said....

okay so ive come to accept that i am a very quiet person when it comes to my opinions, and i like this about myself. im an outgoing quiet person. so there are alot of things that i would love to say to people around me but never do out of fear of hurting them or just because i dont, well im currently about to bust so here goes. 

1.  you drive me crazy! and yet i still feel connected to you, i still want to cry when you seem upset or want to smile from ear to ear when your happy. i still want you to be happy in every way and even though your idea of happy and mine don't seem to match up right now I'm still here no matter how hard you push. i wish i didn't care, you have no idea how much i wish i didn't care but the thing is i do. and im unashamed because what we had was good and im sorry for what i did to mess it up. i know what those things are and i will definatly fix them in my next relationship. until then i just wish we were atleast friends, i miss knowing your there. because right now it feels like your about as far away as you can get. you made me believe in myself and made me want to be better, a better person, a better christian and a better me.

2. you are sweet and adorable and amazing but your way to quiet for me! theres a part of me that thinks i could fall for you but i cant handle the quietness. i love the strong silent type but you are just a whole new level of quiet sometimes. flirting with you is fun but i wish we could translate that into a convertation

3. okay girls im going to do you two together because you both make me feel the same way... i love you both! and i have a new found love for you everytime i talk to you, i dont talk to you as much as id like and one of you doesnt live here but everytime i do talk to you i feel so encouraged. its like you know exactlly where im coming from and you let me be myself and just tell you how i feel without the i told you so's. and ive talked my share of crap about you both and i regret doing it but you have both grown up alot. and i love being able to call you my friends. you are truely my rock when im on my last straw and about to completley brake. 

4. i wish we were still close like we were last summer, i loved the convertations we had at random times of the night. after yall broke up its like we lost touch, but you were an amazing guy and i miss having fun with you. 

5. im so glad we are friends now. you truely inspire me

6. we are the kind of friends who can not talk for months and it still be the same when we get back together. we have been thru alot lately and i love you more for it. i wish we were as close as we use to be but i know that we are completely different people and i dont always agree with you or you r choices but i  love you and misss you everyday.

7. you are one of my quietest friends but you give me quiet strength that you will never know. you always know exactlly what i need to hear to keep going on.

8. I HATE YOU!!!! no really but id like too... not only for the crap you did to me but to the people i care about, your a jerk and i hope you realize that and get it fixed...QUICK!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. you suck at your job...oh wait i do you job. i love you to death but sometimes i want to smack you, but then i wouldnt get my white star! 

10. i dont even know what to say to you, and i think this is my chicken way of saying it...i love you so much you are one of my very best friends but sometimes i worry our friendship is smothering us. and is going to cause us to hate each other one day. i feel like i walk around on egg shells around you sometimes, i love you so much but sometimes i dont think you realize that im not you and your not me. i sit back and keep my mouth shut and dont tell you what i really think partly because i dont want to hurt you and partly becasue i dont know what i would do with out you. i dont every want you out of my life but i fear if we keep going like this we will end up hating each other in the long run. i feel like we justify each others bad behaviors and give each other a pass to be negative, im not a negative person and hate myself for becoming one. i wish i felt like i could tell you all this to your face but everytime i try you get mad and stop talking...i cant talk to a brick wall and im afraid if i try im going to end up yelling so i dont say anything. 

11. OKAY NUMBER ELEVEN IS TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY ON HERE BUT I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO BOTH OF YOU TOGETHER....... im not going to choose between yall!!!!!!!!! i dont care abuot your stupid little middle school fights its not my problem because trust me if i pick someone is not going to like it. i dont want to loose either of you but i feel like in order to keep the peace i have to choose well im not. im not saying yall have to be best friends and you dont even have to like each other but im sick of being on my toes wondering when one of you is going to tick off the sick of feeling guilt tripped for being friends with the other. so if im going to be friends with both of you i will keep yall seperate but i wont put up with the fighting. ill stop being friends with you both before i put up with any more of it. i feel like this has already cost me things and im not going to loose anymore.

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