My church had D-Now this weekend, and i must admit if you would have asked me last Thursday i wasn't super excited. But as time went by i was so convicted by that, and i realize now how much God wanted to speak to me as much if not more than the kids. My friend Kerri and I co-lead high school girls (not the easiest group) but after the weekend, i have a new respect for these girls, they don't always do the right thing, or make the right choices, but who of us at that age did. I realized how much they need someone to listen and not always just be after telling them what they are doing wrong, (which i know i went into this doing) I was truly inspired by those girls and the people they are when you really take the time to get to know them. Our theme for the weekend was relationships, with friends, family and the opposite sex. all very big things in any teenagers life, heck in any of our lives. I am no exactly a go by the book kind of person so it was nice to just be able to have a conversation with them.
Our last bible study was on relationships with the opposite sex and Kerri and I were able to share our experiences, and struggles with them and some advice we would give them. After that session i couldn't stop thinking about it, i wasn't sure what God was trying to show me, until yesterday afternoon when i was finally alone, driving to church it hit me...how far away from my list I'd gone, and i was still chasing after it. I shared with the girls that i had made a list of qualities i want in a guy in 9th grade and i revised it as i grew but it helped me know what was important to me. Like he had to be the spiritual leader, Christian, i respected him, family liked him, shared my call into ministry, etc. It was that last one that really got my on the way home. The last guy i dated, i really thought i was going to marry, and at the time of us starting to date he matched everything on my list, it wasn't until after we broke up and i started to move on have i realized how far from the man on my list he has become and how i so wanted him to still fit. Because i felt like i knew Gods answer (and i still stand by that, at the time God spoke to me and i know what He said) but as time has gone on from that i realize that the man he was maybe was a guy i could have married but the one he is now is not. and I'm not saying anything against him he is a great guy, and one of my closest friends to this day, however we are two very different people now, and want two very different things. When we started dating he wanted to be a missionary in Alaska, and now doesn't think he heard that right. and that is fine, however i know my calling is in ministry, now weather that is in full time vocational ministry or that is in the non-profit sector i don't know, however what i do know and God so strongly reminded me of this weekend, is from the time i was little I've always said i felt like i would marry someone in ministry, and since my own call i have been at a place of saying as long as my husband isn't happy being a normal church goer and accepted my call i would be happy, the truth is, God gave me a desire to marry someone in ministry, and i was so reminded of that this weekend when i was at the worship rally and saw guys truly worshiping God, Ive missed that. Or Sunday morning when Jonathon got up there to preach, although i don't see him in that way, it was still so nice to see a man my age get up there and be so real, and so passionate about God, I miss that, its so refreshing to see a man my age truly going after God. I'm so afraid this is going to come off like the guys I've dated in the past weren't men of God, because they were, i wouldn't have dated them if they weren't. but i recognize it wasn't the importance that it should have been to me. Ive always been very attractive to my to see a guy worshiping God, however expertly lately when it seems like all my friends are getting married, I've started to sacrifices that standard for the desire to get married. God truly showed me this weekend how much I've put my list, and my standards on the back burner for the convenience of dating. I truly want to go back to when dating, boys etc, weren't the biggest thing on my mind most days, sometimes i cant help but feel like a preteen girl! haha Ive already started to make some steps to change my focus and i cant wait to see where God is leading me, I so want my number one to be Him again and only Him. I know i already have everything i could ever want in Him. Its up to you God!
WITH OPEN HANDS I STAND GIVING UP ALL MY PLANS! FOR THE ONLY PLANS THAT MATTER!