Contradictions

"At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves."


Sometimes i wish when i said things it came out like it is going thru my head....then again its not always making sense in my head either. So lets see if this clears anything up in my head... I dont want anything, i dont want commitment, i dont want pressure, i dont want to be tied down, i just want to be able to do what i want, live how i want, be shelfish and focus on God. But i also want to know im in the right book...that this isnt just in my head. i want that one small act that says this isnt just you and maybe i can stop over thinking everything. how can i not want something and need something at the same time. i dont want the past, i dont want what was, or how it could have been, i want to start all over, i want to learn how to be friends again, figure out how everything works now, im so different than i was then and i dont want to go back to how i was, i want a fresh start. 
Is it possible that now I'm wanting to run? running seems simpler, I'm terrified...have you ever wanted to do something like ride a roller coaster, or sky dive and as soon as the harness goes down its like your looking for the emergency "get me the crap off of this thing switch!!"? Ive been really good lately about opening up and telling people how i really feel and i know the devil hates that, its always been something he could use against me, and I'm determined not to let him. it just seems like everything i feel lately is a contradiction!  maybe thats the problem, ive always been so imsecure about telling people how i feel maybe im terrified its going to blow up in my face, maybe im waiting on the other show to drop. i guess i just need some reassurance that it really is the devil being a jerk! There is just so much on my mind lately i guess...ugh i need a nap!!!